Down Days

Sometimes being a mother is so difficult, it can sometimes be that you have no rest, no sleep and no chance of getting things done. When those days are hard the idea of going to bed and sleeping forever are broken by a baby waking up lots in the night. It becomes a constant battle and before you know it your exhausted and sometimes can see there is no hope, you think this is your life now. For me this is where I am on my bad days, I never thought I could feel like this, I ve always been so happy and see the positives but someways the dark tries to win. Sometimes I am so tired I let it, I listen to lies that I am a bad mother and hide away. I am short with the kids, I am cross with the husband not letting people close for fear they will see me fail. Its hard. 

The health visitor suggested I talked to my doctor about it, but I am too scared I dont want to be labelled as having Postnatal depression, not that I have anything against that I'am just a little fearful it may be. I generally think its lack of sleep, some nights with Little bear I have been up every 2 hours then dealing with a busy toddler in the day, its enough to wear anyone out. I am not one to ask for help, I often bumble along getting cross with myself that I do it on my own. 

I havent the energy for much and can see the old me backing away, I sat down to write a post about me and Im lost. I dont know where I am going. I am just a mum, just a mum who hides behind the kids. A mum who loves her kids lots but would like to sleep. I need to focus on the positives, see how blessed I am, because I sure am. That actually my life isnt too bad and wont let like this forever. When that tooth comes through or that cough goes away all the sleepless nights will be forgotten. 

So here I am holding my light on the hill, showing the darkness you have no hold on me. I am a capable mum, I am a good mum and I am trying the hardest I can to stay afloat.